Tuesday, March 13, 2018

The Deck of Manly Things

Yea I know this is stupid, shut up. We got too much pretty girly stuff on this blog.

The Fool: You become capable of riding any four-legged beast. They instantly recognize you as alpha and obey standard horsemanship commands, even if they shouldn't.

The Magician: If you are a woman, you become a man. If you are a feeble man or a wimp, you become brawny and strong. If you are hairless, you become hirsute. If you're already all these things, you become so masculine that it's kinda toxic. You become emotionally insensitive, unconsciously bigoted, and you become unable to tolerate doing unManly things.

The High Priestess: You are now an inexhaustible lover. She never gets pregnant and you never get crabs or diseases. You're great at sex and everyone in town seems to know.

The Empress: You are embued with a magical 'MOM' tattoo on your upper arm. It alerts you if she is in trouble and reminds you to get her something nice on her birthday. She appreciates your visits, but understands that you're busy saving the world. If your mom isn't alive, you will never love, cry, or smile again.

The Emperor: Your entire wardrobe is replaced with manly versions. Everything you wear is incredibly cool, made of leather, and provides at least +4 AC. Your existing armor, if any is modified with sculpted abs and pecs. You invent Aviator shades.

The Hierophant: You know the law, and can argue it rationally and eloquently. If you were chaotic, you become neutral. If neutral, you become lawful. If the local law enforcement are overwhelmed (aren't they always), they put a badge on you before you leave the tavern, mutating you closer to the stereotype of a scary, tough cop.

The Lovers: Everywhere you go, unimaginably beautiful young women throw themselves at you shamelessly. You may indulge in their attention as much as you want, but you never become attached to any one female.

The Chariot: At any body of water you need to cross, you grapple a shark, who swims you to the other side. You subtly become more like a pirate.

The Justice: You become a master at arm wrestling. No one can beat you.

The Hermit: You grow a massive, manly beard. Even Dwarves will envy your beard. It has an AC of 15, is hard hard to break as diamond, and can lift 300 lbs.

The Wheel of Fortune: In every man's life, there comes a time when he has to make a decision. You choose BACON. You can now cast Grease at-will, due to having eaten so much bacon without washing your hands.

The Fortitude: You become capable of skinning and cooking anything you kill. You have an infinite supply of barbeque sauce. You can drink any volume of alcohol with no negative consequences. Your diet consists solely of meat and ale.

The Hanged Man: You become significantly well-endowed. Yes, just that one anatomical part. You will need a new codpiece for your armor, and probably looser-fitting pants. You have a third equipment slot for magic rings.

The Death: It takes enough arrows to darken the sky, or a moon crashing on you, or a similarly insane amount of awesomeness to kill you. You are immune to disease, papercuts, gangrene and old age.

The Temperance: What? There's no temperance in being manly. You rip up the card, eat it, and knock out an opponent by spitting it at them. Someone yells "Blackjack" and you win 100 gold.

The Devil: You encounter an Owlbear, and you wrestle it to the ground bare-handed. You may choose to slay the Owlbear and wear its coat (which makes monstrous humanoids afraid of you forever), or it will follow you as its new pack leader (which makes humanoids afraid of you forever).

The Tower: You become impervious to fall damage. Regardless of height, you land on your feet, or crouched with your fist to the ground. You leave craters in dirt, and crack stone.

The Star: Forever more, after you have defeated an enemy, something behind you explodes!

The Moon: You become immune to fear. You stand brave in front of Ancient Wyrms and Liches alike. While it doesn't make you invincible, you think that you are.

The Sun: You become immune to fire, even magical. You can walk across coals, strike a match on your knee, and start a fire with just two sticks.

The Judgement: You can spot an unmanly man, regardless of magic or disguise. You immediately intimidate any man lesser than yourself, and can spend a Downtime/Haven turn making such a man half as manly as you are.

The World: Your lifting and carry limit skyrocket. You can carry up to 30 times your own body weight without difficulty or encumbrance.

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