Thursday, September 7, 2017

d30 Things in the Wizard's Chamberpot

So your party finds a chamberpot under the wizard's bed in his secret laboratory and look in it. For...some reason. What could be inside this Magical Realm?

1. Piss and shit. What did you expect?
2. Chocolate and lemonade. No really! The fuck?
3. Fungi of Wonder, eat it and get fuckin' high!
4. Fungi of Wonder, eat it and fuckin' die!
5. Fungi of Wonder, eat it for a Rod of Wonder (or some other random effects table you love) effect.
6. Fucking Goblins. Right where you would expect them to be, playing around in the shot like its snow.
7. Some dude named Jack.
8. A fucking devil. It'll pull your soul out your was ass and go back in.
9. All kinds of bullshit. Its a Chamberpot of Holding!
10. All kinds of bullshit. There's a Minotaur nearby...
11. His soul. He's a lich and he never thought anyone would plunder a fucking chamberpot. You fucking nutcase.
12. A portal to Hell. Demons give him power in exchange for shitting on the damned.
13. Its a portal to Heaven. Holy Shit!
14. Yourself, looking into a chamberpot. Woaaaah.
15. A random potion.
16. Holy water. least it used to be. Undead will still recoil from it because. Fucking E.W.
17. Gold!
18. A Piss Elemental, and its pissed!
19. Yo Momma! No seriously. You've finally found her after all these years.
20. A princess. Someone will pay a huge reward for her...if you restore her to expected finery. She won't go home smelling like this.
21. An entire city of halflings, or drow, or whatever race you want to imply is worthless shit.
22. Its his homebrew! Add A link to someone's blog you wanna throw shade at! Ohhhhh snap, you just implied it's shit! Be nice though and put like a magic item or something from their page in here.
23. Its his homebrew! There's some potent booze here. Save against blindness and memory loss, but get xp as if from carousing.
24. Your waifu. Roll up a random anime girl to be your follower. See "Your Waifu is Shit" sub-table.
25. Your husbando. As above but a dude.
26. Its a Warp Pipe! Jump in and come out somewhere else.
27. Its a Warp Pipe...and a Piranha Plant jumps out!
28. A beanstock grows out into the sky as soon as you look. You can climb it to some mystical cloud world.
29. It turns out the power was inside him all along. And then he shat it out. Eat his excrement and gain a spell slot.
30. A fairy. It'll grant you a wish for freeing it!

 "Your Waifu is Shit" d12 Table:

Waifus (and Husbandos) are shit. Anime is shit, and it was a mistake, just like looking in the wizard's chamberpot. Your character now has a new love-interest whether you want to or not, and you can't get rid of them conveniently or easily due to comedic shenanigans. They're a free follower who you never need to check Morale or Loyalty for; they are your soulmate. You poor bastard.

1. Tsundere - "It's not like I like you or anything..." This type of character loves you, and hates showing it. As jealous, possessive, sweet, or head over heels for you they might be, they present a sour, abrasive face. They'll insult you, deny liking you, and keep griping about how much of a pain you are, but suspiciously refuse to disengage. Rather, they'll berate you for neglecting them, if anything. But once you crack their shell, they're more of a classical love interest.

2. Yandere - "Tell me you love me too...or else." You ever read Misery? Yeaaaaa. This character is, on the surface, the perfect lover. You're their highest priority. You're their only priority. You're their only...anything. They need you more than you've ever need anything, and nothing will stop them from having you. Not other girls. Not your parents. Not the law. Not even your own consent. And they tend to solve their problems bloodily. Being theirs isn't optional, but if you go along with it, you can't ask for a more devoted slave and bodyguard.

3. Dandere - " that book, too? I've never...met someone else who..." While wearing glasses and being into books isn't necessary for this archetype, it's quite common. Danderes are your typical shy, quiet girl who doesn't speak much on their own, and has to come out of their shell. They'll never make the first move, and generally think they don't have a chance with the person they like. In 80's high school movies, this is the 'ugly and unpopular' girl who always gets the make-over for the finale. Except we all know they were hotter before. We all liked Velma more than Daphne, don't even lie.

4. Kuudere - "..." These characters are like emotionless robots. Either they're emotionally stunted and never show emotion and/or don't understand it, or perhaps they literally have no emotions. Usually they get written off as having no personality, as opposed to just a shy one. They tend not to know about this thing you call Love, but when they start feeling it, tend to take a purely servile role. They're perfect slaves.

5. Deredere - "AHH~! You make me the happiest person in the world!" The more classical love interest archetype. This type of person is cheerful, kind, energetic, and affectionate. They'll almost always make the first move, and pretty much are total Pollyanna types; they bounce back from everything, don't hold grudges, and always see the bright side. They'll be your biggest advocate.

6. Himedere/Oujidere - "Ohohoho~! So this is how commoners eat. How quaint." The Princess or Prince type; whether or not they're actually royalty, or affluent, they have magnificent taste and decorum, excellent manners, and a powerful charisma. They're often haughty and elegant, and treat dating you as a favor toward you. They'll pretty much never take a submissive role, and are always highly ambitious. They wear the pants, and they're gonna be ten-thousand dollar designer pants imported from Paris or some bullshit.

7. Utsudere - "I don't want to die without being loved... please don't leave." This character is just sad. They have trouble trusting their current happiness. Maybe their last lover raped them, or they have a terminal illness and will be dead within the year or whatever. They're desperate and self-defeating. They crave hope desperately, but they're too conditioned to despair to hold onto it.

8. Undere - "Me too, I also think that!" These are yesmen. They think the best tactic to hold onto their loved one is to say yes as much as possible; they'll agree with anything. You know the type, 'wow what a coincidence we have the same favorites and all your ideas are good!"

9. Bakadere - "U-uwah! Sorry...sorry! Sorry...oops... sorry..." The cute, clumsy idiot. As sweet and innocent as they are, they're so dumb and useless it overshadows all their good points. Anything they try to do, even as simple as holding a tray of drinks, is doomed to go disastrously. If possible, it will wound up in an erotically charged manner, like stumbling over in such a way that you get a panty shot or get a face full of boob-smush.

10. Hajidere - "U-u-u-we...u-um...I-I...I l-l-li...lik-AH!" This is the shy, embarassed, flummoxed archetype. They can never just spit out what they feel, and even the slightest sign of affection makes them too red in the face to function. If you don't push them, they probably won't so much as hold your hand until your honeymoon. They have some sort of anxiety disorder or something.

11. Kanedere - "You're my little golden boy, $weetie." The gold-digger. They love you, they'll shower you in all the love and affection you could ever want. As long as the money flows. They'll always sweeten the relationship if you give them gifts or keep them financially secure. They might not immediately leave you if the coppers run dry, but...

12. Nyandere - "You're the purrfect boy, the cat's meow~" This character acts like a cat. They might be part cat. This is the anime catgirl, either literally or figuratively. If you're not making obnoxious puns what are you even doing, kill yourself. If furries aren't allowed in your world, you get a reroll because you made God proud and you don't deserve this.

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